- Star Crossed -

Is this something you know to be true?

The end is nothing new

To rise upon this starlit night

Over and under and back again

Watching the moon reflect on our souls

Drowning out the sound of the traffic below

We look out for one another

Sharing our moments without a thought

Let’s close our eyes

And drift into sleep

The sky is falling

Each star is a new chance

Love isn’t for everyone

But there is always that one

To change your mind

To give you hope

We begin to feel the end is near

But do we rely on our conscious

Or do we go with our guts

As we sip this drink

The very last one

We hold on tight as we fall asleep

One last rest until our very last breath

Like star crossed lovers

Another Romeo and Juliet

- Sleep Sheep Sleep -

She was created from an image that is copied
Over and over again
Made from the same clone
Torn from the nipple
Mothers milk spilt upon the floor
Sheeps over sheeps
Fucking each other
Little babies fall from the creator
Images in a magazine
Teens wanting to be each other
Torn from the womb
Mirror images from a beauty pagent
Hope you fuckers burn
Little fires everywhere
Flesh fall from the bones
Smell of death in the air
Mothers milk is spoiled
Little sheep are being brough to slaughter
Laughter without a sound
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Bastards
Killer in need
Copies upon copies
No one is ever different
Twinkle twinkle
Little star
Goto sleep
And never wake up
Lambs to the slaughter
Sheep umong sheep
Douchbag clone
On the alter they prey
On the alter they will die
Behead the sheep
Lead them to their deaths
You will never be the same
And that is ok

- We Have Come This Far -

We have come this far

Under tomorrows sun

Drove all this way

To reach into our dreams

We can’t turn around now

For we are out of words

Fueled on the hopes of a future lost

Guided by unspoken bond of man

We have come this far

We will ride on into the night

We can’t turn around now

- nothing Holds Tomorrow -

I’ve lost my hope on tomorrow

So fuck it

Here it goes

nothing

We brought this upon ourselves

Wondering why we haven’t thought about this yet

We dive into yesterday like we have something to look forward to

Tomorrow should never have came

Especially for a person like me

This noose is awful loose

Maybe you should tighten it up for me

Don’t let me slip out

For I regret if I do

I just want to hang around for awhile

This is nothing to care about

nothing

You shouldn’t worry about me

I am just fine

I am going to just hang here

Lend me your ear just for a moment

I want to let you know something

Something that should have been said years before

I am nothing you should worry about

I forgot about yesterday

I am not worried about tomorrow

This is something that is no more

Something you shouldn’t worry about

Just nothing

nothing

About Last Night

We have spent a large chunk of our lives searching for the person that will complete the other side of us. From the days of the cavemen to the people of today, we all do what we can to achieve the ultimate goal. To be happy.

Webster’s dictionary defines happy to be: Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment, or having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation). But what does this really mean? Many have different definitions of happy. We have to do whatever it takes to reach that point in our lives. This blog isn’t about being happy, it is about last night. But before you know about that night you must know the days leading up to it. Here is a story, a story full of words and emotions, my story.

A few weeks back I started talking to this girl. This girl was a friend of one of my friends and she felt like I should talk to her. My friend was on the lookout for her a good guy. Someone that wouldn’t treat her like shit or beat her. So she figured we should talk and I agreed. I took some balls and messaged her first on facebook. We talked through the day on there until I gave her my number. I figured this would be a lot easier than facebook, and I can do about my day. We talked a lot over the next week and some. She seemed really into me and my friend said that she told her the same. So I was excited when she said she was going to hang out this weekend with us. We talked a lot which lead up to last night. I stepped out of a lot of comfy zones to get to where I was. We were enjoying each other’s companies through the phone.

Talking through text is a whole new world compared to talking in person. This girl was a lot different than I would have normally gone after. But I figured I would step outside my comfort zone to see how the other side lives. It took a lot of me to do this, and I am still feeling the effects of it. Last night was a good night but yet a bad night that lead into a bad morning. Well you now know where it started not it’s time to learn where it ended.

I come off as a shy person at times, but last night I was far from shy. I was doing something I don’t normally do and it scared the living shit out of me. I get off work and go to the store to pick up some adult drinks, and then I was off to my friend’s house to meet up with her, her boyfriend, and the girl. Now I am leaving her name out of this for respect toward her and how crazy some of my friends get when girls mess with me. I get there and her face is buried in her laptop totally ignoring that I came into the room. This should have been a sign for me to just say I couldn’t stay and leave, but I didn’t listen to myself and I stayed.

The night ended up being a lot of this. Her burying her face into a computer and not really talking to me, but I sat there awkwardly waiting. I was trying to spark up conversation but it fell short. We all ended up going to the gas station later for something and I stayed in the car with my friends bf. Later I found out that my friend asked her in the store what she thought of me and she said she liked me. Why didn’t I get that same vibe from her? The night was a bunch of mix signals and a huge mess. She ended up passing out and I stayed awake until after 5 am, and I woke up with her gathering her stuff and gearing up to leave. We didn’t sleep in the same bed or anything but separate couches. She said she had an emergency and had to leave. I don’t doubt that from happening but something seemed off.

I gave her a hug and told her it was nice hanging out with her. She agreed and said she should be back next weekend for the whole weekend. I walked her to her car but she seemed to be giving me a cold shoulder. That night was a mess, but I had a good time with my friends.

Shortly after she left I went home. I walked to my place thinking about the evening and wondering where things went wrong. My friend’s bf called me saying I didn’t have to leave but he understood why I did it. For some reason I wanted to cry, but I held it in for the best of me. He agreed with me on saying she was sending mix signals all night and basically ignoring me. So why is my luck so bad? Why can’t I ever catch a break? I am such a fuck up…

me

My mind don't work like everyone else's. This is something off about it. It is hard to explain how it works because I don't fully understand. But what I do know scares me. I am a smart man. I do well in my classes without doing much at all. I lack some people skills that effect me a lot. I had to learn ways around these blocks in order to have any kind or relationship with someone. This hinders most romantic type of relationships I tend to have. This does limit me in ways to meet someone. I keep those friends that I do have close because I really don't have many that I can call true friends. I am grateful for what I do have. And I can't ever begin to think them for just accepting me.

- The Forgotten One -

I am over and done

The last that won

The forgotten son

We are on the brink of extinction

Tomorrow isn’t today

Disturbed and abused

Drowned but not out

This was something that is not

In the mind’s eye I am the one who is long gone

Death above life

Still sought after all the fuck ups

We are on the brink of discovery

But have we forgotten where we have come from

 It is so awkward from the start

Kissing and hugging

Sniffing one another’s ass

Like dogs on a good day

I guess that means it is our kind of afternoon

There is a full moon tonight

So we will howl in order to feel a live

I am long gone

Forgotten son

Forgotten again

- Tomorrows Fuck -

I am a forgotten relic of tomorrows past.
Use me when you feel the need.
Forget me when he comes around.
I am not a second choice option just a friend with a face.
Forgotten upon the mind of the girl who says she loves me.
Forgotten and tossed aside.
This will simply not due.
Tomorrow isnt today but yesterdays tomorrow.
Say no more.
This will simply be enough.
Forget the past and forge the future.
Say no.
Say fucking no.
This will not be the end.
I can see it now.
I can open my eyes.
This is forgotten.

Conversations With A Friend

** This is going to be all over the place but this is something different. No names are given just words**

I'm trying. I just want to find my smile. You know. I'm tired of waiting for something to come along.
Yeah trust me I know, but the more and more you look for it the harder it is to find it.
I have given up for awhile. It's nights like this where I just want to be cuddled up on a couch watching movies.

Chris Popp This Is Your Life (final essay)

** This is a week ahead of schedule but I went ahead and wrote it out. So here is my final personal essay for school. Enjoy. **

        When turning 13 it’s a joyous occasion in any young kid’s life. It marks the first year of being a teenager, and not being referred to as a child.  When I was 13 it was a whole different experience with me. I had to grow up fast, and become an adult before I was even able to be a teen. I was on my own, homeless, alone, and scared. I was still a child but I had to become something I wasn’t ready for. No child is ready for anything this dramatic.

            I was just freshly turned 13 when my whole world has changed. While waiting for the school bus my father came to the stop to tell us something. Little did I know that morning that my whole world was about to change. Something set my father off and he went after me dead set on beating me that morning. “You little fucker I am going to beat the shit out of you” He said. I did the only thing I could have done I ran. I ran all the way to my grandpa’s house and locked myself in the bathroom. He chased me the whole way screaming. That day changed everything in my life.

            Your parents are supposed to be the people you look up to. Mine was something else altogether. My mom was a shy lady who took too much abuse over the years. My father was an abusive alcoholic who treated me worse than the other kids. That day he yelled and chased me was the last time it ever happened. I am not sure what brought it on that day. Maybe I said the wrong thing at the bus stop, or maybe he was out to get me. All I do know is that day changed my life dramatically. So it wasn’t a huge shock for people to find out what happened that day.

            My grandpa didn’t know what was going on. All he knew is that I ran into the house crying and screaming that my father is going to beat me. See at that time we was living with them and they was helping my parents out. It wasn’t until I came in there crying and yelling that my grandpa decided he had enough. I remember him saying to my dad “you are not going to lay a hand on him.” And then he tossed them out with no place to go and let me stay there to continue to go to school. I already looked up to my grandpa but this made me realize how much he really does care for me.

            My grandparents didn’t have much to offer me. I took a few months to collect myself before I started to move on. I was staying anywhere I could find, and sometimes it lead me to sleep outside. I lived in a small town where everyone knows everything, and they all knew my situation. I bounced from place to place, couch to couch, and porch to porch all my high school years. From the age of 13 until I was 21 I didn’t know what it was like to sleep in a bed. It is the little things you take advantage of, and when you don’t have them anymore you realize how much you have missed them when you finally gain it back.

            Was my life hard? Yes it was. Was the choice mine to leave at the age that I did? Yes. I did it because I felt at the time it was right. I did fall into the wrong elements, drugs, alcohol, and attempted suicide. I had no one to turn to with all these issues because I thought everyone was against me. Through everything my Grandpa stood beside me and treated me like a person. He was my rock and gave me the strength to be who I am today. My relationship between my parents still isn’t the best, but I still talk to them. Sadly my Grandpa passed away in 2007, but he lived a full life. Right before he passed away he was asking about me. I didn’t go see him. I didn’t want to see him at his worse and wanted to remember him at his best. The man that was more of a father to me then my own father and would love me no matter what I do.

            One thing before he got sick that I remember him telling me was this. “No matter what you do Chris, or how you do it, all that matters are that you tried. And no matter what I will still love you.”

Fuck Your Existence

We belong to the end of nothing. For this will be our new home and it will become the something that sprung from the darkness. Could it kill us? Could it end us? It very well may just do that. But for now the world you know is a lie. The life you lead is bullshit, and you are going to die.